Feeling like an outsider can destabilise even the most confident among us, because it threatens a core human need: belonging. These experiences challenge our sense of identity, making us compare ourselves to others and to who we think we “should be”. But these moments aren’t failures. They’re invitations to deeper self-awareness.
When Fitting In Feels Impossible
Here's what I've learned as a counsellor, and as a human who's been the 'new person' more than once: Belonging shouldn't require disappearance.
Moving to Finland at six years old, I didn’t yet have words for feeling like an outsider—just a child’s instinct to survive. I mimicked other kids’ games, their sounds, their laughter, until their language became mine. For a while, it worked. I belonged.
But relocating to the UK as a pre-teen? This time, the stakes felt higher. My accent was 'wrong'. My jokes didn’t land. I’d spend lunchtimes in the library, pretending I chose solitude. At home, I’d practice saying 'water' the British way, as if perfecting that one word might make the rest of me fit.
It took years to understand: I wasn’t just learning a new culture—I was erasing myself to avoid the ache of exclusion. Now I help others, reclaim the parts they've hidden away.
This struggle isn’t just about geography. It happens in:
- New social circles (Workplaces, parenting groups)
- Life transitions (Divorce, retirement, fertility struggles)
- Moments when you’re “othered” (Culture, identity, neurodivergence)
Why We Feel This Way
In these times, it can feel safest to blend in—whether in our physical space or our emotional landscape—figuring out what’s expected and shaping ourselves accordingly. We compare ourselves to others, second-guess our choices, and
before we know it, we’re conforming to what we think we should be, losing sight of who we truly are.
Therapy often reveals how these comparisons stem from old stories—childhood wounds or past rejections—that whisper you don’t belong. We contort ourselves to fit in, losing sight of who we truly are.
Yet here’s the paradox: Our adaptations aren’t failures. They’re proof of how deeply we’re wired for connection. The work isn’t to stop adapting—it’s to notice when we’re abandoning ourselves in the process. Sometimes it’s our own expectations; other times, it’s society’s unspoken rules that leave us feeling on the outside looking in.
Way Forward
- Name what’s missing:
Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” ask: What do I miss about connection right now—safety? Being understood? Naming it can loosen shame’s grip.
- Find ‘micro-mirrors’:
Tiny moments of connection—a shared smile with a stranger, a “how are you?” text from a friend—remind your brain: I’m not invisible.
- Protect a small piece of your truth:
For 10 minutes a day, do something that feels true to you (e.g., listening to music, journaling in your raw, unfiltered voice, or dancing in the kitchen). This rebuilds trust and connection with yourself.
- Explore the roots:
“Does this feel familiar? Does it echo an older story? Is it a new feeling?” You don’t need the answers; just noticing begins the work.
About Me
I’m Iva, a counsellor working in Worthing and Littlehampton, UK. If this piece resonated, you might like learning about how I work. Above all, I hope it's a reminder that belonging is about connection—and connection is about being human.